Friday, February 05, 2016

OH: A Bizarre Attachment to Gender Identity via LEGO.


Thursday evening, crowded Metro elevator in the suburbs. A little girl, about five years old with two dark blond ponytails, stands with her dad. She is clutching a LEGO creation.

Stranger Lady, who is a loud talker: "WOOOowww do you have more of those at home?" (referring to the LEGO).

I assume the girl answered somehow, but the elevator was crowded, so I couldn't see the exchange.

Stranger Lady: "That's good, so you can build more COOL things at home. Do you have the PINK LEGOS?" (Expert enough on LEGO to know that there are pink ones, but amateur enough to use the 's' on the plural.)

Dad, tentatively: "Ummmm, yeah, we've seen those, but we haven't gotten any yet."

Stranger Lady: "Oh yeah they have PINK ones for GIRLS. They're great... " (goes into her own ownership story of pink LEGO)

Elevator doors open, people start filing out. Stranger Lady calls after the dad and girl. "You'll love them. They're PINK. For GIRLS!"

Sigh.

I wasn't aware that actually this was a thing until my coworker came up to me whilst I was researching pink LEGO options. I'd come upon this page, and noticed the words in red: "Retired Product." This began a conversation about pink, girly LEGO, and a coworker informed me that there had been a big controversy about it a few years ago.

As a girl who loved tiny pencils, Barbies, and Strawberry Shortcake dolls as much as I loved building forts, playing football, and Star Wars figures, I don't think we should get rid of all girly toys. I DO think that loud-talker, who was not far from my age, should have fucking known better. If you like pink LEGO, you go play with them, lady. We don't need to be telling girls that they should like pink and princesses any more than we should be telling boys to like football and shooter games. Why does this still happen?

Just FYI, the pinkest, foofiest LEGO sets that I could find, using the "girls" search tag on the site and refining to "Disney Princess," are the disturbingly romantic-sounding Sleeping Beauty's Royal Bedroom and Ariel's Magical Kiss.

They are both sold out.





Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Without Warning.

"Huge bombshell," my mom texted last week.

"[He] is leaving [her.] They went back to [state redacted], settled on their new house, and then"

Here the text ended, like a cliffhanger scene in a soap opera. The portentous iMessage ellipsis told me to wait five minutes. And then:

"He went to the lawyer, put the house in her name, went home and told her he would be leaving because he needs to be alone. The house is hers 'free and clear.' He's going to one of his far away places on the 21st and won't be back. Needless to say [she] is completely shocked and devastated. She had no clue."

They'd been together more than 10 years, having met later in life, too old for kids, but young enough to see that the scars from previous unions could be healed, and that it was never too late to be happy.

At Christmas, nothing seemed amiss. They talked about their new house, and the process of selling the old one, which they'd decided was too big for them.

He travels a lot for work. We're told.

My feelings about him as a person, or as an addition to the family, necessarily deferred to one fact: He made her happy. I don't know much about their situation, but I can tell you this: Nothing about the man suggests he "needs to be alone."

That weekend Sir UncMo and I sat at the dining room table having a late breakfast when he saw something through the front window.

"Is that... Is that an owl?"

We left our chairs and headed for the living room. Across the street, a very large, beige presence stood on top of the neighbor's fence.

"What IS that?"

"I can't tell." I went to get my glasses. He went to get his camera.

The Being across the street dove off the fence and flew right in our direction, low and slow. Its wings seemed to span the two of us in the window. It glided past the daffodil shoots that emerged in the odd, warm December and now stood stuck, mid-stride, in the first real cold of January.

"Whoa," I breathed. A hawk. It veered away from us and landed on the front yard lamppost.


Sir UncMo managed to get this shot through the window, but the hawk flew away when we opened the front door to get a better look.

We'd been making fun of the rabbit that greets us in the evenings at home. He (we always assume, without basis, that it is the same male rabbit, dubbed Baxter, Brewster, Bobby, or some mischievous Bunny name along those lines) snacks in the front yard but hops to the edge when we approach, turning his back to any humans.

"They'll never see me here," we imagine he's thinking, his white cottontail like a beacon in the twilight, motionless and waiting for us to pass.

This approach obviously is not going to work with the tsunami of a bird above.

Let's get didactic about it. So far 2016 feels like a hawk. Infallibles like Bowie and Alan Rickman and Glenn Frey are suddenly gone. It's gotten bitterly cold after a period of eerie warmth, and the weather experts are calling for a major snowstorm by Friday. Shit feels unpredictable.

It's been very hard to get out of bed these last few days. Instead of driving to the Metro, I walk so that the biting air will wake me up. I try to focus on my limbs carrying me along, painless and solid, fingers freezing in their gloves, nose running and eyes tearing, blinking thankfulness into every step.


Frozen.

To me it's a crying shame, and I know Adele would agree, that when you type the words "frozen video" into Google, that there is no trace, not a shred of evidence, that Madonna ever sang a song with that title, not to mention filmed a clip where she falls onto the desert earth and transforms into a bunch of birds.



That's because all the results are about Disney's rip-off of Snow Queen.

After all the ridiculously mild weather here on the East Coast, a day of bitter wind and twentysomething temperatures feels like an insult. The calendar reminds me that it's just par for the course, or it should be.

The icy dry weather immobilizes my face, walking to the Metro, and I let it. My efforts to smile and cede the way evaporate with all other moisture. My face is a mask, and I haven't even had Botox. Yet.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Put On Your Red Shoes and Dance the Blues.

"You are to keep your gliding motion, no dancer will be able to move as gracefully as you, but at every step it will feel as if you were treading on a sharp-edged knife, so sharp that your feet will seem to be bleeding." —Hans Christian Andersen, "The Little Mermaid"

January. The Christmas tree is out on the sidewalk. The boxes are put away. The light through the windows, when you finally wake up, is dim at best. The old convertible's windshield is frozen over—from the inside. The new Twitter feed has only three blessed followers, yet somehow the ad algorithms already know it's the right target for the sponsored tweet from Probiotic America about stomach problems.

On Saturday, while I was dragging myself through the day and getting some provisions at the grocery store, this song came on.



It lit me up. "I forgot about this song," I said to myself, lip-syncing shamelessly through the aisles of the store. No idea, like most people, that he was sick. Just enjoyed the moment.

It's possible there were more classic, "better" David Bowie songs. But 1980s singles Bowie is the Bowie for me. "Blue Jean," "Let's Dance," "Modern Love," and "China Girl." With a dollop of later-discovered, earlier-recorded Dick Cavett flavor.



By Monday, David Bowie's technicolor, stoic, enviably cool approach to sorrow permeated everything, because he'd died, and the world was still human enough to respond.

Sir UncMo went to the track below. (Well actually, the a cappella version.) It happens to be the song he sang at karaoke the night we met, but that's not why he played it. He played it because it was as perfect a way as any to note how time doesn't give a fuck when it comes to staggering talent.



Thursday, January 07, 2016

Sitting Ducks.

Lately the word "weird" gets uttered a lot at my workplace. 

The organization I work for is going through a seismic shift. Longtime employees have been bought out. Good people are being let go, or getting fed up and leaving of their own accord. For the rest of us, it's lots of shrugging, sad smiles, and saying "things are weird."



I am not exactly like most other employees, though. I am full-time with benefits, but on an annual contract subject to renewal, because a sponsor funds my work. This shielded me, to some degree, from the recent turmoil, but now it's my turn. My contract is up.

Technically speaking, I am now six paychecks away from being unemployed.

I've been renewed at least five times. Once it really came down to the wire, but it was clear all along that my boss at the time had my back and was working on it. 

This year is different, though. The players and the game are changing. Everyone is distracted. My current boss asked for a meeting tomorrow. I imagined, with a pit in my stomach, that he had bad news about the contract. It turns out he just wants to talk story ideas for the year. The fact that we're FourFiveSeconds from bye-day is not at all on the radar.

The whole transition means all bets are off on who will be around in two or three months. "[Coworker's name redacted] is looking," a coworker whispered to me today. "She said she's doing at least one thing each day" toward the goal of finding a new position.This was a model worth following, as far as my colleague was concerned: One action every day. 

"I'm not going to be a sitting duck," she declared, walking back to her desk. (No joke, I had just taken the picture above that very morning.)

"Makes sense," i said from my perch by the side of the pool, and tucked my beak squarely back into my feathers.

And her view does make sense, all the sense in the world. I have no illusions about my situation. I don't imagine that some eleventh-hour decision will save my job, even though it has before and very well might still. Like my colleague, I'm exploring options and reaching out to smart people I know. Trying to save money, lay a cushion.

The difference is that on some level, I completely accept that all of the cards have been dealt, and that I am now in the position of watching how the hand plays out. I truly believe that no conversation I have there will change anything at this point, nor will rushing to find another job similar to the one I have. I am not asking for meetings or trying to hatch survival strategies. I am not spending much time on internal job boards, much as I'd like the option to stay. The business I'm in is in a state of perpetual upheaval, and nothing I do is going to create security there. 

I know I'm supposed to be freaked out at the prospect that my job technically ends in three months. But, anxiety dreams aside, I'm just not—yet, at least. Because I no longer believe that any job in and of itself is going to solve my problems or define my personal future. If my current work ends, I will find more. I know who I am at this point, what I can contribute and what I cannot. 

I had a different ending to this originally, sort of a lame pep talk directed at the tiny part of me that might be freaking out a little, and feeling tired from all the change. Never mind that. My point is that there can be value in settling in, putting your head down, and doing some watchful waiting, rather than trying to plunge in and paddle against the tide. The wind can change, and answers can emerge, even from choppy water.


Wednesday, January 06, 2016

The Second Bakery Attack.


"Yo! So, I’m shutting down [my company's] hosting stuff. Can you find a new home for [oldsite.com] by year end?" my brother wrote in November. 

Here's just how dated my old portfolio site is: The name at the top is "open session." Does this ring a bell, dear reader? Did you, by chance, use UNIX or FTP in the nineteen nineties?

Keeping that site alive was a form of digital hoarding. I accepted my brother's message in the way I might accept it was finally time to put a hopeless pet to sleep. I don't think a lot of people are scrambling to find my old McSweeney's posts, New York restaurant reviews, and early 2000s music reviews. I copied and pasted some text for my archives and said goodbye.

But there's one, legally questionable thing I want to keep alive, which is the Haruki Murakami tribute below. 

Now, these days, saying "Murakami is a very talented, absorbing, inspiring writer" is like presuming to tell people "There's this musician Prince who's very singular, get hip to it." But I'm telling you, at the time, some 20 years ago, he was not as pervasive. Anyway, I still get random thank-you notes from people for this transcription job, and my hope is that it will open the way for more book sales for Mr. Murakami, which he does not need, but does deserve.

Like all other Murakami, this particular story expresses three fundamental truths: 
one, you can never really know anyone; 
two, we all live with some past scar that will eat us alive if we don't deal with it; 
and three, some things just cannot be explained.

I especially like this introductory copy because I JUST centered a post on some landscape vacation pictures. 



Haruki Murakami: The Second Bakery Attack

Did you ever try to share something that impresses you very much with someone who impresses you very much, only to receive an impressive lack of appreciation?

It's like taking landscape pictures from your vacation, and then showing them around. Just don't bother.

This happened to me with Haruki Murakami. Murakami is a very talented, absorbing, inspiring writer who wrote the best short story I have ever read, "Sleep." He also wrote the following story (which is shorter than "Sleep" and thus more transcription-friendly), which I numbed my little fingers typing out one day at work, risking my job, eyesight and circulation for the sake of e-mailing it to three ingrates whose puzzled, lackluster reactions made them unworthy of my suffering. (I mean, I was also really bored and, in retrospect, potentially a bit touched that day; but that's beside the point.)

I guess we must choose our cultural battles carefully.

But if at least one person is searching for some electronic Murakami and is gratified by this page, my labor will not have been in vain.

=============================================

The Second Bakery Attack, by Haruki Murakami
I'm still not sure I made the right choice when I told my wife about the bakery attack. But then, it might not have been a question of right and wrong. Which is to say that wrong choices can produce right results, and vice versa. I myself have adopted the position that, in fact, we never choose anything at all. Things happen. Or not.


If you look at it this way, it just so happens that I told my wife about the bakery attack. I hadn't been planning to bring it up--I had forgotten all about it--but it wasn't one of those now-that-you-mention-it kind of things, either.


What reminded me of the bakery attack was an unbearable hunger. It hit just before two o'clock in the morning. We had eaten a light supper at six, crawled into bed at nine-thirty, and gone to sleep. For some reason, we woke up at exactly the same moment. A few minutes later, the pangs struck with the force of the tornado in The Wizard of Oz. These were tremendous, overpowering hunger pangs.


Our refrigerator contained not a single item that could be technically categorized as food. We had a bottle of French dressing, six cans of beer, two shriveled onions, a stick of butter, and a box of refrigerator deodorizer. With only two weeks of married life behind us, we had yet to establish a precise conjugal understanding with regard to the rules of dietary behavior. Let alone anything else.

I had a job in a law firm at the time, and she was doing secretarial work at a design school. I was either twenty-eight or twenty-nine--why can't I remember the exact year we married?--and she was two years and eight months younger. Groceries were the last things on our minds.


We both felt too hungry to go back to sleep, but it hurt just to lie there. On the other hand, we were also too hungry to do anything useful. We got out of bed and drifted into the kitchen, ending up across the table from each other. What could have caused such violent hunger pangs?


We took turns opening the refrigerator door and hoping, but no matter how many times we looked inside, the contents never changed. Beer and onions and butter and dressing and deodorizer. It might have been possible to saute the onions in the butter, but there was no chance those two shriveled onions could fill our empty stomachs. Onions are meant to be eaten with other things. They are not the kind of food you use to satisfy an appetite.


"Would madame care for some French dressing sauteed in deodorizer?"


I expected her to ignore my attempt at humor, and she did. "Let's get in the car and look for an all-night restaurant," I said. "There must be one on the highway."


She rejected that suggestion. "We can't. You're not supposed to go out to eat after midnight." She was old-fashioned in that way.


I breathed once and said, "I guess not."


Whenever my wife expressed such an opinion (or thesis) back then, it reverberated in my ears with the authority of a revelation. Maybe that's what happens with newlyweds, I don't know. But when she said this to me, I began to think that this was a special hunger, not one that could be satisfied through the mere expedient of taking it to an all-night restaurant on the highway.


A special kind of hunger. And what might that be?


I can present it here in the form of a cinematic image.


One, I am in a little boat, floating on a quiet sea. Two, I look down, and in the water, I see the peak of a volcano thrusting up from the ocean floor. Three, the peak seems pretty close to the water's surface, but just how close I cannot tell. Four, this is because the hypertransparency of the water interferes with the perception of distance.


This is a fairly accurate description of the image that arose in my mind during the two or three seconds between the time my wife said she refused to go to an all-night restaurant and I agreed with my "I guess not." Not being Sigmund Freud, I was, of course, unable to analyze with any precision what this image signified, but I knew intuitively that it was a revelation. Which is why--the almost grotesque intensity of my hunger notwithstanding--I all but automatically agreed with her thesis (or declaration).


We did the only thing we could do: opened the beer. It was a lot better than eating those onions. She didn't like beer much, so we divided the cans, two for her, four for me. While I was drinking the first one, she searched the kitchen shelves like a squirrel in November. Eventually, she turned up a package that had four butter cookies in the bottom. They were leftovers, soft and soggy, but we each ate two, savoring every crumb.
It was no use. Upon this hunger of ours, as vast and boundless as the Sinai Peninsula, the butter cookies and beer left not a trace.


Time oozed through the dark like a lead weight in a fish's gut. I read the print on the aluminum beer cans. I stared at my watch. I looked at the refrigerator door. I turned the pages of yesterday's paper. I used the edge of a postcard to scrape together the cookie crumbs on the tabletop.


"I've never been this hungry in my whole life," she said. "I wonder if it has anything to do with being married."


"Maybe," I said. "Or maybe not."


While she hunted for more fragments of food, I leaned over the edge of my boat and looked down at the peak of the underwater volcano. The clarity of the ocean water all around the boat gave me an unsettled feeling, as if a hollow had opened somewhere behind my solar plexus--a hermetically sealed cavern that had neither entrance nor exit. Something about this weird sense of absence—this sense of the existential reality of nonexistence—resembled the paralyzing fear you might feel when you climb to the very top of a high steeple. This connection between hunger and acrophobia was a new discovery for me.


Which is when it occurred to me that I had once before had this same kind of experience. My stomach had been just as empty then...When?...Oh, sure, that was—


"The time of the bakery attack," I heard myself saying.


"The bakery attack? What are you talking about?"


And so it started.

"I once attacked a bakery. Long time ago. Not a big bakery. Not famous. The bread was nothing special. Not bad, either. One of those ordinary little neighborhood bakeries right in the middle of a block of shops. Some old guy ran it who did everything himself. Baked in the morning, and when he sold out, he closed up for the day."


"If you were going to attack a bakery, why that one?"


"Well, there was no point in attacking a big bakery. All we wanted was bread, not money. We were attackers, not robbers."


"We? Who's we?"


"My best friend back then. Ten years ago. We were so broke we couldn't buy toothpaste. Never had enough food. We did some pretty awful things to get our hands on food. The bakery attack was one."


"I don't get it." She looked hard at me. Her eyes could have been searching for a faded star in the morning sky. "Why didn't you get a job? You could have worked after school. That would have been easier than attacking bakeries."


"We didn't want to work. We were absolutely clear on that."


"Well, you're working now, aren't you?"


I nodded and sucked some more beer. Then I rubbed my eyes. A kind of beery mud had oozed into my brain and was struggling with hunger pangs.


"Times change. People change," I said. "Let's go back to bed. We've got to get up early."

"I'm not sleepy. I want you to tell me about the bakery attack."


"There's nothing to tell. No action. No excitement."


"Was it a success?"


I gave up on sleep and ripped open another beer. Once she gets interested in a story, she has to hear it all the way through. That's just the way she is.


"Well, it was kind of a success. And kind of not. We got what we wanted. But as a holdup, it didn't work. The baker gave us the bread before we could take it from him."


"Free?"


"Not exactly, no. That's the hard part." I shook my head. "The baker was a classical-music freak, and when we got there, he was listening to an album of Wagner overtures. So he made us a deal. If we would listen to the record all the way through, we could take as much bread as we liked. I talked it over with my buddy and we figured, Okay. It wouldn't be work in the purest sense of the word, and it wouldn't hurt anybody. So we put our knives back in our bag, pulled up a couple of chairs, and listened to the overtures to Tannhauser and The Flying Dutchman."


"And after that, you got your bread?"


"Right. Most of what he had in the shop. Stuffed it in our bag and took it home. Kept us fed for maybe four or five days." I took another sip. Like soundless waves from an undersea earthquake, my sleepiness gave my boat a long, slow rocking.


"Of course, we accomplished our mission. We got the bread. But you couldn't say we had committed a crime. It was more of an exchange. We listened to Wagner with him, and in return, we got our bread. Legally speaking, it was more like a commercial transaction."


"But listening to Wagner is not work," she said.


"Oh, no, absolutely not. If the baker had insisted that we wash his dishes or clean his windows or something, we would have turned him down. But he didn't. All he wanted from us was to listen to his Wagner LP from beginning to end. Nobody could have anticipated that. I mean—Wagner? It was like the baker put a curse on us. Now that I think of it, we should have refused. We should have threatened him with our knives and taken the damn bread. Then there wouldn't have been any problem."


"You had a problem?"


I rubbed my eyes again.


"Sort of. Nothing you could put your finger on. But things started to change after that. It was kind of a turning point. Like, I went back to the university, and I graduated, and I started working for the firm and studying the bar exam, and I met you and got married. I never did anything like that again. No more bakery attacks."


"That's it?"


"Yup, that's all there was to it." I drank the last of the beer. Now all six cans were gone. Six pull-tabs lay in the ashtray like scales from a mermaid.


Of course, it wasn't true that nothing had happened as a result of the bakery attack. There were plenty of things that you could have easily put your finger on, but I didn't want to talk about them with her.


"So, this friend of yours, what's he doing now?"


"I have no idea. Something happened, some nothing kind of thing, and we stopped hanging around together. I haven't seen him since. I don't know what he's doing."


For awhile, she didn't speak. She probably sensed that I wasn't telling her the whole story. But she wasn't ready to press me on it.


"Still," she said, "that's why you two broke up, isn't it? The bakery attack was the direct cause."


"Maybe so. I guess it was more intense than either of us realized. We talked about the relationship of bread to Wagner for days after that. We kept asking ourselves if we had made the right choice. We couldn't decide. Of course, if you look at it sensibly, we did make the right choice. Nobody got hurt. Everybody got what he wanted. The baker--I still can't figure out why he did what he did--but anyway, he succeeded with his Wagner propaganda. And we succeeded in stuffing our faces with bread.


"But even so, we had this feeling that we had made a terrible mistake. And somehow, this mistake has just stayed there, unresolved, casting a dark shadow on our lives. That's why I used the word 'curse.' It's true. It was like a curse."


"Do you think you still have it?"


I took the six pull-tabs from the ashtray and arranged them into an aluminum ring the size of a bracelet.

"Who knows? I don't know. I bet the world is full of curses. It's hard to tell which curse makes any one thing go wrong."


"That's not true." She looked right at me. "You can tell, if you think about it. And unless you, yourself, personally break the curse, it'll stick with you like a toothache. It'll torture you till you die. And not just you. Me, too."


"You?"


"Well, I'm your best friend now, aren't I? Why do you think we're both so hungry? I never, ever, once in my life felt a hunger like this until I married you. Don't you think it's abnormal? Your curse is working on me, too."


I nodded. Then I broke up the ring of pull-tabs and put them back in the ashtray. I didn't know if she was right, but I did feel she was onto something.


The feeling of starvation was back, stronger than ever, and it was giving me a deep headache. Every twinge of my stomach was being transmitted to the core of my head by a clutch cable, as if my insides were equipped with all kinds of complicated machinery.


I took another look at my undersea volcano. The water was clearer than before--much clearer. Unless you looked closely, you might not even notice it was there. It felt as though the boat were floating in midair, with absolutely nothing to support it. I could see every little pebble on the bottom. All I had to do was reach out and touch them.


"We've only been living together for two weeks," she said, "but all this time I've been feeling some kind of weird presence." She looked directly into my eyes and brought her hands together on the tabletop, her fingers interlocking. "Of course, I didn't know it was a curse until now. This explains everything. You're under a curse."


"What kind of presence?"


"Like there's this heavy, dusty curtain that hasn't been washed for years, hanging down from the ceiling."


"Maybe it's not a curse. Maybe it's just me," I said, and smiled.
She did not smile.


"No, it's not you," she said.


"Okay, supposed you're right. Suppose it is a curse. What can I do about it?"


"Attack another bakery. Right away. Now. It's the only way."


"Now?"


"Yes. Now. While you're still hungry. You have to finish what you left unfinished."


"But it's the middle of the night. Would a bakery be open now?"


"We'll find one. Tokyo's a big cit
y. There must be at least one all-night bakery."



We got into my old Corolla and started drifting around the streets of Tokyo at 2:30 a.m., looking for a bakery. There we were, me clutching the steering wheel, she in the navigator's seat, the two of us scanning the street like hungry eagles in search of prey. Stretched out on the backseat, long and stiff as a dead fish, was a Remington automatic shotgun. Its shells rustled dryly in the pocket of my wife's windbreaker. We had two black ski masks in the glove compartment. Why my wife owned a shotgun, I had no idea. Or ski masks. Neither of us had ever skied. But she didn't explain and I didn't ask. Married life is weird, I felt.


Impeccably equipped, we were nevertheless unable to find an all-night bakery. I drove through the empty streets, from Yoyogi to Shinjuku, on to Yosuya and Akasaka, Aoyama, Hiroo, Roppongi, Daikanyama, and Shibuya. Late-night Tokyo had all k
inds of people and shops, but no bakeries.


Twice we encountered patrol cars. One was huddled at the side of the road, trying to look inconspicuous. The other slowly overtook us and crept past, finally moving off into the distance. Both times I grew damp under the arms, but my wife's concentration never faltered. She was looking for that bakery. Every time she shifted the angle of her body, the shotgun shells in her pocket rustled like buckwheat husks in an old-fashioned pillow.


"Let's forget it," I said. "There aren't any bakeries open at this time of night. You've got to plan for this kind of thing or else—"


"Stop the car!"


I slammed on the brakes.


"This is the place," she said.


The shops along the street had their shutters rolled down, forming dark, silent walls on either side. A barbershop sign hung in the dark like a twisted, chilling glass eye. There was a bright McDonald's hamburger sign some two hundred yards ahead, but nothing else.


"I don't see any bakery," I said.


Without a word, she opened the glove compartment and pulled out a roll of cloth-backed tape. Holding this, she stepped out of the car. I got out on my side. Kneeling at the front end, she tore off a length of tape and covered the numbers on the license plate. Then she went around to the back and did the same. There was a practiced efficiency to her movements. I stood on the curb staring at her.


"We're going to take that McDonald's," she said, as coolly as if she were announcing what we would have for dinner.


"McDonald's is not a bakery," I pointed out to her.


"It's like a bakery," she said. "Sometimes you have to compromise. Let's go."


I drove to the McDonald's and parked in the lot. She handed me the blanket-wrapped shotgun.


"I've never fired a gun in my life," I protested.


"You don't have to fire it. Just hold it. Okay? Do as I say. We walk right in, and as soon as they say, 'Welcome to McDonald's,' we slip on our masks. Got that?"


"Sure, but--"


"Then you shove the gun in their faces and make all the workers and customers get together. Fast. I'll do the rest."


"But--"


"How many hamburgers do you think we'll need? Thirty?"


"I guess so." With a sigh, I took the shotgun and rolled back the blanket a little. The thing was as heavy as a sandbag and as black as a dark night.


"Do we really have to do this?" I asked, half to her and half to myself.


"Of course we do."


Wearing a McDonald's hat, the girl behind the counter flashed me a McDonald's smile and said, "Welcome to McDonald's." I hadn't thought that girls would work at McDonald's late at night, so the sight of her confused me for a second. But only for a second. I caught myself and pulled on the mask. Confronted with this suddenly masked duo, the girl gaped at us.


Obviously, the McDonald's hospitality manual said nothing about how do deal with a situation like this. She had been starting to form the phrase that comes after "Welcome to McDonald's," but her mouth seemed to stiffen and the words wouldn't come out. Even so, like a crescent moon in the dawn sky, the hint of a professional smile lingered at the edges of her lips.
As quickly as I could manage, I unwrapped the shotgun and aimed it in the direction of the tables, but the only customers there were a young couple--students, probably--and they were facedown on the plastic table, sound asleep. Their two heads and two strawberry-milk-shake cups were aligned on the table like an avant-garde sculpture. They slept the sleep of the dead. They didn't look likely to obstruct our operation, so I swung my shotgun back toward the counter.


All together, there were three McDonald's workers. The girl at the counter, the manager--a guy with a pale, egg-shaped face, probably in his late twenties--and a student type in the kitchen--a thin shadow of a guy with nothing on his face that you could read as an expression. They stood together behind the register, staring into the muzzle of my shotgun like tourists peering down an Incan well. No one screamed, and no one made a threatening move. The gun was so heavy I had to rest the barrel on top of the cash register, my finger on the trigger.


"I'll give you the money," said the manager, his voice hoarse. "They collected it at eleven, so we don't have too much, but you can have everything. We're insured."


"Lower the front shutter and turn off the sign," said my wife.


"Wait a minute," said the manager. "I can't do that. I'll be held responsible if I close up without permission."


My wife repeated her order, slowly. He seemed torn.


"You'd better do what she says," I warned him.


He looked at the muzzle of the gun atop the register, then at my wife, and then back at the gun. He finally resigned himself to the inevitable. He turned off the sign and hit a switch on an electrical panel that lowered the shutter. I kept my eye on him, worried that he might hit a burglar alarm, but apparently McDonald's don't have burglar alarms. Maybe it had never occurred to anybody to attack one.


The front shutter made a huge racket when it closed, like an empty bucket being smashed with a baseball bat, but the couple sleeping at their table was still out cold. Talk about a sound sleep: I hadn't seen anything like that in years.


"Thirty Big Macs. For takeout," said my wife.


"Let me just give you the money," pleaded the manager. "I'll give you more than you need. You can go buy food somewhere else. This is going to mess up my accounts and--"


"You'd better do what she says," I said again.


The three of them went into the kitchen area together and started making the thirty Big Macs. The student grilled the burgers, the manager put them in buns, and the girl wrapped them up. Nobody said a word.


I leaned against a big refrigerator, aiming the gun toward the griddle. The meat patties were lined up on the griddle like brown polka dots, sizzling. The sweet smell of grilling meat burrowed into every pore of my body like a swarm of microscopic bugs, dissolving into my blood and circulating to the farthest corners, then massing together inside my hermetically sealed hunger cavern, clinging to its pink walls.


A pile of white-wrapped burgers was growing nearby. I wanted to grab and tear into them, but I could not be certain that such an act would be consistent with our objective. I had to wait. In the hot kitchen area, I started sweating under my ski mask.


The McDonald's people sneaked glances at the muzzle of the shotgun. I scratched my ears with the little finger of my left hand. My ears always get itchy when I'm nervous. Jabbing my finger into an ear through the wool, I was making the gun barrel wobble up and down, which seemed to bother them. It couldn't have gone off accidentally, because I had the safety on, but they didn't know that and I wasn't about to tell them.
My wife counted the finished hamburgers and put them into two small shopping bags, fifteen burgers to a bag.


"Why do you have to do this?" the girl asked me. "Why don't you just take the money and buy something you like? What's the good of eating thirty Big Macs?"


I shook my head.


My wife explained, "We're sorry, really. But there weren't any bakeries open. If there had been, we would have attacked a bakery."


That seemed to satisfy them. At least they didn't ask any more questions. Then my wife ordered two large Cokes from the girl and paid for them.
"We're stealing bread, nothing else," she said. The girl responded with a complicated head movement, sort of like nodding and sort of like shaking. She was probably trying to do both at the same time. I thought I had some idea how she felt.


My wife then pulled a ball of twine from her pocket--she came equipped--and tied the three to a post as expertly as if she were sewing on buttons. She asked if the cord hurt, or if anyone wanted to go to the toilet, but no one said a word. I wrapped the gun in the blanket, she picked up the shopping bags, and out we went. The customers at the table were still asleep, like a couple of deep-sea fish. What would it have taken to rouse them from a sleep so deep?


We drove for a half hour, found an empty parking lot by a building, and pulled in. There we ate hamburgers and drank our Cokes. I sent six Big Macs down to the cavern of my stomach, and she ate four. That left twenty Big Macs in the back seat. Our hunger--that hunger that had felt as if it could go on forever--vanished as the dawn was breaking. The first light of the sun dyed the building's filthy walls purple and made a giant SONY BETA ad tower glow with painful intensity. Soon the whine of highway truck tires was joined by the chirping of birds. The American Armed Forces radio was playing cowboy music. We shared a cigarette. 


Afterward, she rested her head on my shoulder.


"Still was it really necessary for us. to do this?" I asked.


"Of course it was!" With one deep sigh, she fell asleep against me. She felt as soft and as light as a kitten.


Alone now, I leaned over the edge of my boat and looked down to the bottom of the sea. The volcano was gone. The water's calm surface reflected the blue of the sky. Little waves--like silk pajamas fluttering in a breeze--lapped against the side of the boat. There was nothing else.


I stretched out in the bottom of the boat and closed my eyes, waiting for the rising tide to carry me where I belonged.

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Just Pretend This Is a YouTube Video.

Hey guuyys,

So, I'm really excited for the new year annnndd so one of my resolutions for 2016 is to start posting more on this blog! Sooo as always, if you have any requests for posts you'd like to see, like things that you're uncomfortable about and want to share, or more audio excerpts like this one, or really like anything you want to see, just hit me up in the comments below.

Annnndd if you like this blog please don't forget to hit subscribe in the upper right corner, click Like and also be sure to follow me on my new Twitter feed.

OK guys so that's it for this post. Don't forget to click like and subscribe, I hope you have a great rest of the day, thanks so much for reading guys and I'll see you next time.

Bayeeeeeeeee

Monday, January 04, 2016

I'd Prefer to Go Back to My Regular Work-Anxiety Nightmares, Thanks.



I was standing in a glassed-in, white-carpeted office, having visited on business: an interview, maybe, or a project assignment. 


Two men nearby were chatting as I was about to leave. 

"Yeah, I've had this assignment for weeks and am still waiting for details so I can do the research."

"Ugh, I hate it when that happens. I'm in the exact same boat."

They were exchanging weary, smiling gripes about being freelance. I edged closer, pretending to study the scene outside the window, so I could hear more. I had to get going, but this would be useful information if I ever went independent. 

"Yeah, on the other hand though—just think if we were regular employees. Then we'd have to be here for the mass shooting."

As the man spoke I realized there had been a popping sound in the background: steady, methodical gunfire.

I looked around, but no one seemed to hear it. People continued to mill about the white carpet as if it were a cocktail party. The men wore suits, the women dresses. Like Mad Men

"Why is no one moving," I asked myself without a question mark, panic gripping my gut. The sounds, which happened to be quite like the New Year's fireworks that went off in the neighborhood the night before, slowly came closer. There was no way to get out now. I spotted a table to dive under—too high, too open and too near the door to offer much protection, but it was something. 


Then, heart pounding, I woke up.



Wednesday, December 30, 2015

A Decade of Discomfort.

In the end I was too callow to leave up the mortifying karaoke video that I posted here briefly, but 2015 is calling for just one more tumbleweed of a post on this lonely corral. Believe it or not, Uncomfortable Moments turned 10 this year. Who knew? It doesn't look a day over 45, in Internet years.

Saying I tried to update the template to my blog yesterday—which is true—is like saying I tried to change the batteries for my Discman. Even an "updated" look for this hoary platform looks absurd, so I'm just going to keep on keeping it real here.* I used to be fairly adept technically, but that was back in the 90s.


Every December, Sir UncMo, who is an excellent photographer, makes me a book of pictures from the year. The book of 2015 has a lot of goodness packed into it.

First, we got a house, snow piling extra quietness onto the little street of 1950s-era colonials. The next month after moving in, we left for Iceland.

I expected it to be cold. I expected horse meat on the menus. I did not expect it to be so freaking relaxing. It is so open, and empty, that it feels like you can just let your worries fly out into all of that space.

You will try to capture it with your phone,  hanging out car windows and hovering above steaming geothermal pools, and your phone will simply blink at you and say look, I'm doing the best I can here, but why don't you just chill out and use your eyes?






After that came a trip to Hawaii for the third and final wedding among my San Francisco friends. And even though there are now children and husbands and many miles involved, the four of us still managed to escape for one more wine weekend this fall, before L. moved back to Oahu with her new husband.



Back at home,  Sir UncMo discovered the joys of Home Depot. "I think it is like Sephora for men," he said. I think he is right.

We zoomed in on the moon from the backyard, watched fireflies, and then butterflies, got startled by rabbits, cursed at squirrels.



In a year of unmitigated Trump and tragic headlines, I got another week at the beach with my mom and sister. Another year of being employed. Of health. Of holidays with family. Of angst over dumb stuff.

There's always angst over dumb stuff, which makes you temporarily unsee all the other important and good stuff, such as the thousand permutations of sunlight that you keep trying to capture with your phone.





Though the five-year diary tradition continues, other things have fallen by the wayside.  This blog, as usual. Any attempt to write with a pen in a journal. My Japanese studies. I also mostly stopped trying to figure out and record multitrack snippets of songs for fun.

"It's just a waste of time," I said of the singing. That's how I felt about the journals, too, and even this blog sometimes: They were pointless distractions keeping me from doing the Real Writing that I only fitfully manage to do after spending all day at work.

"I don't agree," Sir UncMo said. He argued that any one creative expression supports all the other creative expressions. Well, he said it much better and clearer than that. But I started to think that he had a point, and that it wouldn't hurt me to waste a little more time on "unproductive" pursuits. Just a little more.

So that leads to my vague set of guidelines for 2016. More instinct. Less fear. Fewer glowing screens. More real light, in a million new permutations.

Happy new year, friends!

* Update: After all that bellyaching, I am experimenting with a new template so that I can display photos at a better size without breaking the homepage. I don't know about this. It involves change.

Monday, December 21, 2015

A Metro Carol.

The day after that last post about kindness and commuting, this happened:

"Spare any change? A nickel or a dime? Spare change, spare change? A nickel or a dime?" 

The man made his way through the silent metro car, looking straight ahead. I'd seen him pass through the Red Line a few times before over the past year, always with the same refrain. This morning he'd reached the end of the car, ignored, when another man signaled to him and turned toward his bag. 

He pulled out a zippered, black case close to the size of a bread loaf and handed it over.

The panhandler wore a jean jacket and a hard-edged face that looked neither young nor very old. He took the case, which looked like it could hold CDs or something similarly undesirable, holding it away from him uncertainly. 

"What's this, man?"

"It's change," the man replied. Jean jacket shook the case and it jingled. His look changed from confusion to suspicious disbelief. "Are you serious?" He unzipped the case and peered inside. Coins rolled back and forth behind the opening. 

He stood staring at the man. "You're giving this to me?" He paused. "I'll spend it," he warned.

"It's for you," the man said, nodding and still. He was tall, heavy and stood with a roller bag. 

Jean jacket broke into a lopsided smile, pleased but obviously confused. "For real?"

"I tried to run it through the change machine this morning, but it didn't work, so it must be for you," the man said kindly. "Enjoy your holiday, man."

Visibly stunned, the recipient's looked turned somber and he stepped forward with an open hand, straight as a razor. "Thank you," he said. They shook hands, the train stopped, and the guy got off with the black case clutched under his arm.