Thursday, October 09, 2008

Too Close for Discomfort.

The thing is, when you make the choice to start a blog about uncomfortable moments, you are more or less screwed right out of the gate. Right now I only feel free to write about maybe five percent of the ish that's going down in my life right now, for a variety of reasons, such as:

- Privacy: My own.
- Confidentiality: My friends'.
- Respect: For my family.
- Fear: Of getting fired.
- Banality: A hallmark of most things that pass through my brain.
- Sensitivity: Toward others' feelings.
- Speechlessness: .
- Pride: Goddamned, foolish pride.
- Cease and desist request: One, so far.
- Eyes: Yours, which do not like to bleed.*

And so the Moments close in, and there I am, feeling like our heroes in Star Wars during the trash compactor scene.

So for right now, I am just going to make a list of general topics that are relevant to current events, either mine or my friends' or my family's, but that are too problematic to tackle just now:

- Religious differences
- Age-inappropriate relationships
- Communicable diseases
- Financial desperation
- Drinking problems
- Death
- Hair removal
- Depression
- Arrested development in adults over 40
- Penis size
- Lil' Wayne
- Pointless online behavior
- Lost loves

I will leave these alone and instead share a little vignette from my experience as a volunteer "reception manager" at CUESA's Sunday Supper fundraiser last weekend. The title is a glorification of what I really did, which was to fetch things for chefs and sample free food. At one point, I get introduced to another volunteer. We are both wearing nametags that say "Culinary Volunteer" under our names.

Me: So you are another one of the volunteers here?
Him: [nods] What are you doing [for the event]?
Me: Oh, I'm a reception manager. [self-conscious laugh] Just roaming around, making sure everything goes smoothly.
Him: [beat] So you're not actually a culinary volunteer. [He nods toward my nametag.]
Me: [momentarily puzzled] What? Oh. No, I guess not! What are you doing tonight?
Him: I'm plating desserts.
Me: [looking for some sign of irony, and seeing none] Well. I defer to your culinary expertise then.
[More awkward chit-chat about his vastly superior volunteer role, then I make an excuse to not talk to this person anymore]

Let's recap.

Here's what I said: [momentarily puzzled] What? Oh. No, I guess not! What are you doing tonight?

Here's what I should have said: No. I'm not a dick, either! Did they run out of nametags for that one?

Or: Well no, apparently I am assigned to the "conversing with douchebags" station.

I'm not a dick, either. I mean, anybody with me here? I must have repeated that lame comeback to myself at least four times over the rest of the evening. What is the best comeback you never uttered in the moment?

* I know that what follows the colons should not be capitalized or punctuated by periods. I actually struggled with this.


Anonymous said...

your list of things you can't blog about is pretty much blog nirvana to me. Please find some way to sneak them in, particulary age inapprorpiate relationships (that's always a favorite of mine - no judgement).

Jackson Kuhl said...

It's called l'esprit d'escalier and I live it everyday.

And actually I think your "I defer to your culinary expertise then" was an appropriately bitchy response. It sounds like it went over his head, though.

Also, Lil Wayne is a goblin. Seriously. He's not human.

Lindemann said...

We are not the same as Lil' Wayne; he is a Martian. But I don't see why you can't blog about him! Who's more bloggable than Lil' Wayne?

Whose stylebook says no capitalization or punctuation post-colon? GPO calls for it, and I believe some others do too.

the wayward o said...

only a pindicked ex-boss would send a 'cease and desist request'

Christina said...

Wow, I didn't know there was a phrase -- a Fraunch one, no less -- for this particular problem. Awesome!

Lindemann, I would think that if the thing following the colon is just a fragment, it wouldn't warrant punctuation and capitalization. But maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I can blog about Lil' Wayne one of these days. But because the context involves an Escalade, a dead battery and an age-inappropriate relationship, it'll have to marinate a little.

Anonymous said...

eagerly awaiting your blog entry on penis size ...

hans q. bungle said...

yeah, i am interested in almost every topic on that list.

what I like about the penis size topic is that women I've talked to are split right down the middle: half of them say "it doesn't matter at all" while the other half are like "oh, yeah, when you get a big one that makes all the difference." I suspect one group or the other is lying.

Every gay man I've spoken to agrees that larger penises are more enjoyable.

Christina said...

I say we keep this thread going and the post will write itself!!

Either way, the response here dictates that the first thing to debut from this list will be either Lil' Wayne or penis size. But not both together, that's too creepy.

Lindemann said...

But if you were able to blog something accurate that addressed Lil' Wayne's penis size, that would blow up the Internets...

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