Points of Contention: Michael Jackson

Here at UncMo, we like to come up with new blogovations as much as we like to come up with thought-provoking, well-written posts, which is why this is only the second new recurring feature we've introduced in nearly four years, unless you count referring to oneself in the first-person plural.

Recently I was joking with someone that he should start a blog dedicated to his disagreements with another blogger. He was really going at it with this woman in the comments of her blog and feeling a little self-conscious about it. I suggested that instead of feeling bad about it, he should elevate it to the level of a whole new blog that would have a name alluding to how wrong she is.

Normally this type of idea would get left in the realm of the theoretical -- just an amusing notion. Most productive people would consider it a waste of time to publicly catalog one's petty disagreements. Not me! To me, this says, "I think we've got something here."

Therefore, here in "Points of Contention" I will chronicle various debates or disagreements as they come up.

Chances are you've had occasion to discuss Michael Jackson recently, in greater depth than you ever previously thought you would. If you didn't know before, you probably know now what camp you fall in regarding MJ: the "he was a child-molester" camp or the "he was crazy but innocent" camp.

The two best expressions of these differing viewpoints that I've seen are as follows:

"I don't give a fuck how good you can sing and dance. I got babies, you nasty motherfucker... Some of y'all lookin' at me like 'I can't believe you sayin' that. It's a setup.' Fuck a setup. Don't nobody say the same shit about you for 20 goddamn years, what the fuck is you talking about? If a motherfucker call you a crackhead for 20 years, bitch, you are smoking crack." -- Katt Williams

"I had started my investigation convinced that Jackson was guilty. By the end, I no longer believed that. I could not find a single shred of evidence suggesting that Jackson had molested a child. But I found significant evidence demonstrating that most, if not all, of his accusers lacked credibility and were motivated primarily by money." -- Ian Halperin

And there you have it: the MJ debate in a nutshell, excuse the pun.

Call me a sucker, but I am firmly in Ian Halperin's camp. He elaborates, "Jackson also deserved much of the blame, of course. Continuing to share a bed with children even after the suspicions surfaced bordered on criminal stupidity."

I believe that Jackson felt he was robbed of his childhood and tried to recapture it in his notorious sleepovers. I believe he was either conflicted about his sexuality, gay, or both. I do not believe he was a pedophile.

This is a bad position to be in around people who do believe the allegations. As far as they are concerned, Jackson was a nasty, sick person -- and who are you if you're defending such a person? I've gotten enough looks and dubious silences from others to wonder why I even bother making the argument. After all, I'm not a huge MJ fan. I like his music as much as anybody, but I never cared about him that much musically. As a person, I thought he seemed lost and crazy and sad and horrifically physically distorted. And I have to admit, Williams' riff gave me pause. Why defend him?

I don't have a particular need to be right in this case. I'm just saying what I really believe is true. In this case, since none of us were there, that's all we can do: speculate.

Please feel free to weigh in on this argument or share other debates you've been having lately.

Sucker.

These ads have kind of worked on me lately. Well, I guess technically they haven't worked, because I haven't consumed any of these items. But I made a note of them for possible future consumption rather than ignoring the ad like I usually do.

1. McCafé. This campaign is everywhere -- TV, Internet banners, and print -- and it's making me strongly consider walking in to a MAC-Donald's and ordering a McCafé mocha. I don't know whether it's the boldly incongruous accent over the 'e,' the sassy cursive font, the relentless use of whipped cream in their promotions, or that I just want an excuse to walk into a McDonald's. Hell, I don't even entertain the notion of whipped cream on my beverages, as a rule. These ads are so skillfully rendered that they make me want the whipped cream, maybe more than the actual beverage.

2. Double Twist mascara. Two mascara wands -- one red and one black -- swirl together like a DNA molecule, suggesting that my eyelash genes may actually change if I use this product. Jessica Alba's lashes miraculously swell and elongate after she looks to the camera asking if another take is needed. It's just like what happens when I am on the set in front of my cameraman, by which I mean in my bathroom in front of my nicked rental-apartment mirror.

3. Nationwide. You know what, Jackie Walker, it's true. I do think that you insurance companies just take my money and then, when I have an accident, there's a problem. You say you have an accident-forgiveness policy? Thanks, Jackie. I do believe you are on my side.

4. Miami Social. I don't know what this is. I think it's on Bravo. But I saw an ad for it on the TV and any show named Miami Social sounds great to me.

Daily Feedback.

Every day when I open my work e-mail, there awaits a message entitled "Daily Feedback." The contents are pretty grim.

To be fair, the anger raging inside the Daily Feedback comes from a very small percentage of our customers, and much of it is not directed at my team. Still, it is a torrent of abuse that is disheartening to wade through. I have certainly felt this way about a company before and it makes me sad to think of people who have been moved to write us because they have THAT much hatred for what we do.

Here's a selective sampling from the best worst of the Daily Feedback.

what in the hell have you people done now?

you are getting worse every day

I think [you] are a terrible company.

Why is fabric so important to you?

Your service sucks more than ever

No matter what anyone else says you suck!

You have made things way more complicated than they need to be.

Turn your DOOM game off, put down your joysticks and get a clue.

Can't you people find normal things to print?

YOU PEOPLE ARE PATHETIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE NO HELP AT ALL

This is awful

On the upside, we did get this positive feedback recently:

EVERYTHING WAS EXCELLENT

Unclicky.

My latest line of work is centered on trafficking in headlines. It is my job to be obsessed with them: to seek out the best ones, to write even better ones, to edit those written by others on my team, to track which ones get responses.

In school, putting a title on a paper was often the last, and most painful, task on any assignment for me. If I could have turned in title-free papers all day long, I would have been a very happy student. At my previous job, most radio reporters would turn in a script or text for the Web sans headline. More often they preferred, just as I would have in school, to hand over the text and let someone else figure out what to put at the top.

When asked in a job interview what I did in my other job, I used the word "copywriting." My interviewer shook his head. "Never say that," he said.

"What?" I said.

"Copywriting. It sounds like you're in advertising, not journalism."

"Well, we're advertising the news," I said, and gave a little half-smile. He was not amused. (Inexplicably, I got the job anyway.)

It's true, though. That's what a headline does: It advertises your story. A good headline will answer for the reader, in about 10 words or less, two questions: What is this story about, and why should I read it? Achieving that feat is harder than it might seem, which may be why headline-writing is an underappreciated and underdeveloped skill.

All headlines at my company are consumed online, and so the highest compliment that can be paid for one is the word "clicky." I never heard it before arriving at this job, but now I hear it every day: "That headline is clicky," or "I think it's clickier if you say..." or "That is NOT going to click."

Lately I've noticed some headlines that are not clicky, to me. Instead of making me want to click to find out more, they make me desire to know less about the topic at hand. What is the opposite of clicky? They are scrolly. They make me want to scroll away to other (presumably clickier) stories.

Lights, camera ... Poland
Johnny Depp Opens Up About Private Bahamian Getaway
The Coleman/Franken Show Drags On
Dave Matthews Band: Weighing Public Problems and Personal Pleasures
The Poop On Finding Penguins: Follow The Guano
Sleestak Became NBA Star

Of course, one person's scrolly may be another person's clicky. You may be excited to hear Depp "open up" about the understandably private topic of his Bahamian vacation spot. You may want to know about Dave Matthews' public problems or about a show that's dragging on. You may find the word "Poland" in the headline above to be a much better payoff than, say, "action" or "candy."

Which media outlet do you think has the best headlines?

(Headline credits, in order: CNN, Huffington Post, CBS News, New York Times, NPR, Yahoo)

They Report, I Decide.

Tidbits from my ongoing conversation with the media:

How Are You Coping With the Recession?
Mostly the fetal position and denial, alternately.

What Does Your Credit-Card Company Know About You?
Let me guess: too much? What do they know about you? Let me know. You're a newspaper and I'm an English major with no graduate degree. We both need the credit, man.

Do Men Need Testosterone Supplements?
Only the wimpy ones. I kid. I kid!

Repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell?
Sounds good to me.

Does Jon Have a Date-Other-People Contract?
I don't know, does he? If so, I'll bet a lot of people will want his lawyer's number.

What Do Astronauts Do on Their Day Off?
Not sure, but I'd say they've earned a drink and a good wanking as much as the rest of us, if not more.

Why Are Doctors Such Luddites?
Everyone carries laptops around my doc's office. Where have you been seeking medical care, Ye Olde Hospytal?

Scenes, Sounds, Sonnets: The Next 400 Years?
Huh?

Is Obama the 'Boss'?
Technically yes -- oh, I see you put that in quotation marks. Yeah, I can understand how you would confuse him with Springsteen, but no.

Are Spiritual Encounters All In Your Head?
Most things are.

Why Is Michael Phelps Tinkering With Success?
Because he's hungover?

(Headline credits, in order: New York Times, New York Times, MSNBC, CNN, ABC News, ABC News, CBS News, NPR, New York Times, NPR, Slate)

One Night Stands: "Left Side Drive"

I always liked the actress Samantha Morton, not only for her performances in Jesus' Son and Sweet and Lowdown but also for introducing me to Boards of Canada via this interview.

It's not surprising that an actor would go for this band. It's music that could pop up in a lounge, but is much more cinematic than most other things in that genre tend to be. The first track I downloaded was "Dayvan Cowboy," a five-minute scene of lonesomeness and crashing cymbals that blows in and then blows out more quickly than you'd like it to, especially if you're listening to it while walking or driving in a particular mood.

Lately I've been absorbed in the clanging slog of "Left Side Drive," which feels like a good accompaniment to enduring something trying, and to coming out the other side.

If anybody else knows about BoC and has tracks to recommend, I'd love to hear.

Trolls (Or People Who Are Just Angry).

Recently, on this blog and on another blog I like, some derisive and unpleasant comments have popped up.

I don't frequent a lot of discussion boards or blogs, and so am a latecomer to the term troll.

Troll is a seductive word to throw around, because it automatically nullifies the speaker. There are contradictory viewpoints, and there are trolls; the former is to be considered, the latter to be dismissed. (In this case, I would say the shoe fits, but trolls don't typically wear shoes.)

When someone (anonymously no less) mocks, criticizes, or makes a personal attack on something I've written, here or elsewhere, my first reaction is shock and indignation. How could they? I am accustomed to friendly banter, at best, and silence or non-sequiturs (Pete) at worst on this blog and on Verbungle.

"You often seem surprised that there is a reaction [to your blog], or a negative reaction, and seem to really resent that such a thing at all could exist," the point was made to me by someone who knows quite a bit about reacting negatively to me.

It's a worthy point. If I'm going to put my petty, bourgeois, angsty thoughts out there for anyone to read, why shouldn't I expect (if not welcome) the consequences, whether good or bad? Why make something public, and then be surprised -- happily or unhappily -- when something unpredictable happens?

I'll admit I was sort of stunned when it turned out that not everyone considered my thoughts on men and singles events to be entertaining and actually cried foul. It did make me think twice about blanketing generalizations across a demographic, which is something that frankly, I can't promise I won't do again, because well, I still think it was kind of funny. But it opened up a discussion, which was one of the things I hope to but often fail to do on this blog.

If you take the time to post a thought -- a real thought, as opposed to blind slander or angry mockery -- to this blog, I owe you a debt. If, on the other hand, a you want to spew anger, I can only turn to resignation or pity, because you are never going to get the kind of return on your energy that you need.

Music: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"

Sunny and Rainbow.

It's spring, which means it's time to post my favorite springtime photo ever, taken several years ago in New York.
Be sure also to check out the close-up of these defeated Easter treats. It looks like they, too, suffer from allergies. Original posting here.

Music: "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)"

A Feel-Good Friday Film.

Came in on Synecdoche, New York as it was in progress. It's exemplary as a cinematic, two-hour uncomfortable moment. In the same evening, I received this e-mail. Please enjoy these uplifting passages from Charlie Kaufman's script, as you head into the weekend.

"Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along."

"I've watched you forever, Caden, but you've never really looked at anyone other than yourself. So watch me. Watch my heart break. Watch me jump. Watch me learn that after death there's nothing. There's no more watching. There's no more following. No love. Say goodbye to Hazel for me. And say it to yourself, too. None of us has much time."

"What was once before you -- an exciting, mysterious future -- is now behind you. Lived; understood; disappointing. You realize you are not special. You have struggled into existence, and are now slipping silently out of it. This is everyone's experience. Every single one. The specifics hardly matter."

"I will be dying and so will you, and so will everyone here. That's what I want to explore. We're all hurtling towards death, yet here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we're going to die, each of us secretly believing we won't."

Music: "Little Person"

One Night Stands: 'Gotta Stay High'

Unless you are among the modest number of people who purchased and really listened to the album Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too in 1998, then you probably only know one song by New Radicals, and that's the single "You Get What You Give," which, in itself, is not a huge incentive to hear more.

Frontman Gregg Alexander has many talents, but naming a band is not one of them. Despite the exquisitely poor name of New Radicals, which sounds like it was named by a corporation, their one album is one of my favorites and for some reason "Gotta Stay High" has been in my head for the last three days (no, I don't do drugs).

Aside from being the lead singer, Alexander wrote and produced all of the tracks on MYBBT, then virtually disappeared. One of my favorite band tidbits is that the lineup features Danielle Brisebois of All in the Family. It's Brisebois who says, "Make my nipples hard, let's go" on my favorite track, "Mother We Just Can't Get Enough," though unfortunately it is cut out of most versions on YouTube. Check out Brisebois' bio: She has been sampled by Jay-Z and has written hits for Natasha Bedingfield. Way to skirt the child-star curse, Danielle!

It is sad to me that Alexander isn't very visible anymore. I really liked his style, both vocally and musically. In places on MYBBT, he channels Mick Jagger.

I was wondering what it is about this album that makes it, to me, a better pop experience than most. It must be the fact that it's Alexander's project (as opposed to a team of producers'). His energy in it is palpable. It's kind of earnest, in a very non-radical way.

Music: "Gotta Stay High"

P.S. Apologies for the thoroughly uninspired and unclever nature of this post. I forgot how working full-time can really take it out of you.